hypomanic homemaking

hypomania is fun!

today i did the dishes, went to the grocery store (always a huge anxiety provoking task that results in 3 weeks between grocery runs), made lemon ginger apple preserves (recipe below), my mammaw's apple cake (recipe also shared), and some kick-ass potato soup. then i started 75 cards for my grandmother's 75th birthday, the first since my grandpa died in july. and did it all in my awesome house sweater (read: blanket with sleeves, knit during a previous week of rapid cycling). and i'm still going strong! i am not looking forward to the crash.

lemon ginger apple preserves
this recipe was adapted from the october/november issue of bust
ingredients:

• 1 peck of apples - cored, peeled, and chunked
• 2 lbs sugar
• 2 lemons - sliced thin and quartered, no seeds but keep skin
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 2 oz crystallized ginger - diced super fine
  

tools:

• 6 8-oz. canning jars w/ lids
  
• big metal cooking pot
• cook's thermometer (i used a turkey thermometer)
• cutting board
• knife
  
• measuring spoons
• pour-able measuring glass
• bleach

1. sterilize the jars by washing with soap and hot water and then rinsing in a warm mild bleach solution (1-2 tbsp bleach: 1 gal water). set to dry on a clean towel.
2. put the apples and sugar in the big pot and begin to simmer. i was chopping the apples as i did this so add a couple handfuls of apples, add a cup of sugar, etc.
3. once all the apples are in the pot and beginning to get soft, add the lemon slices, lemon juice, and ginger (dicing the ginger is a bitch but worth it).
4. put the heat on medium-high and let it bubble until the syrup thickens (you want it to act like pancake syrup, the cheap stuff performance is fine). this step took me almost 45 mins but bust says 20-30min.
5. when the syrup is thick and the mixture is above 195* (fun with the thermometer!), ladle the hot preserves into the pouring measuring glass. pour the preserves into the glass leaving about 3/4 in from the top. make sure the rim is spotless! close the jar tightly and flip it on its head. repeat with the other 5 jars.
6. after at least 2 minutes, flip the jars back over. the upside down time softens the rubber seal and then the right-side up cooling creates a vacuum.
7. when the jars are cool check the tops. if it has a bouncing bubble (you know, like the lid of an open pickle jar as opposed to a sealed one) then the vacuum didn't take. stuff that fruit in the fridge and enjoy post-haste. if the lids are firm then you're locked down. put that stuff on a shelf in the root cellar (or give it away as gifts, you know, whatever you feel like).

mammaw's apple cake
this is my mammaw's (read: southern grandmother) recipe. she died when i was five but she made this for my dad's birthday every year and my mom carried on the tradition. now you can too (my dad's birthday is december 6th).
ingredients:

• a bunch of apples (i use 6-10 depending on the size. those 1/2 peck bags of baby macs available in the stores right now are perfect). you can also use multiple types of apples; i've found granny smith, golden delicious, and red mackintoshes compliment each other wonderfully. peel, core, and chunk the apples (as long as the chunks are smaller than a cubed inch, you're great).
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups white sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 2 1/2 cups flour
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 cup veg oil
• 1 cup crushed pecans (optional)

1. preheat the oven to 325*
2. beat eggs
3. add vanilla & sugar
4. in a separate bowl, combine flour, salt, baking soda & baking powder
5. add the veg oil and dry mix to the sugared-eggs. alternate a cup of dry with a half cup of oil until mixed.
6. fold in apples & pecans (if you don't mind getting messy you can squish them in with your hands)
7. scoop it into an un-greased 9"x13"pan. you can put the extra chunks of apples on the bottom of the pan before you scoop it in and sprinkle the extra nuts on top of the batter.
8. cook at 325* for about an hour. you want the top to be solid and toasty brown with craters from the nuts and apples at the top.
9. serve with vanilla ice cream and impress the socks off your nearest and dearest.

i hope you have a chance to taste these treats. have a good night, dears.

the question

a shattered window can stay in place for years but disintegrates once the frame is removed.
i am broken.
what is the appropriate course of action this time around?
do i lower my goals/expectations?
accept the inevitable/reality?
or continue to fight a losing battle, digging the hole/grave deeper, claiming progress?
are my limitations definite, irrefutable or merely perceived & self-fulfilling?
consistency is only a myth but like all myths has thin roots of truth.
do i rage against the dying of the light or adapt to a life of darkness?

the state of the breakdown

i'm bipolar. the diagnosis process has been convoluted but this particular label fits well.

this wasn't a sudden thing for me (unlike many others). the first time i tried to kill myself i was nine. the last time i was 16-ish. the last time i seriously contemplated suicide i was 23. the last time the thought crossed my mind was last night. i am not going to kill myself. but every now and then the random idea flits through my brain like a fly in a car - annoying, unexpected, not significantly dangerous unless you drive off the road.

when i am stable i am very high functioning. i held my most recent high stress job for two years. i teach/taught sex ed with teens in the bronx. demanding, exhausting, exceptionally rewarding. i conducted workshops with about 120 teens each week and coordinated an HIV peer education group. i managed our grant, served on numerous coalitions and steering committees, and came through sparkling.

but when i fall apart i fall fast. the last time i had a significant breakdown-ish thing i had just moved to texas to attend public health grad school. in short i had to drop out. the longer version includes outpatient hospital programs, numerous drug cocktails, not being able to drive, not being able to be alone, toxic dreams, rapid cycling, with the eventual grueling dragging oneself from the mud.

this spring i knew i was slipping. i arranged to take july and august off as medical leave. but things happened. my physical health kamikazied. my grandfather had the nerve to have a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm but held on for two weeks of false hope and quality family time. i fell down - a lot - and sprained my ankle. medication, therapy, group work, and everything else couldn't hold back the surge. so i lost it again.

the great thing about medical leave is you have to have consent from your doctor to return to work. my doctor (rightly) refused to clear me to start the new school year. however, my medical leave had expired. so the organization had to let me go. since i am not able to work i don't qualify for unemployment and my short-term disability barely covers COBRA.

so i have thrown myself upon the mercy of my parents and asked for a loan. i'm 26, an adult, have supported myself since i was 19, and this fucking disease forces me to depend on my folks. i just finished paying them back for the prior breakdown last christmas. it's not their fault. they would be happy to give me the money. but i need to be able to survive on my own. without (the illusion) of independence, i question whether i would continue to fight or just sink into comfortable madness.

the thing that pisses me off most is that i do everything right, everything that should work.

• i see my therapist every week.
• i attend group at least once a week.
• i see my psychiatrist every month (each 2 weeks right now).
• i take my medication.
• i have a support network.
• i have practically exiled procrastination from my professional life.
  
• i take time for me.

and still i fall apart.

sometimes i wonder what's the point.

crazy, complicated, but worth the trouble

big beautiful woman with devious smirk and checkered past trying to complete the tail end of her most recent falling to pieces.

i cook, craft, and laugh at inappropriate moments. i read voraciously, listen to mixes (don't always know the band but love to learn), and i'm a friendly face at the local video joint. drug free but enjoy drinks in dive bars with good jukeboxes and random board games (i will kick your ass in yahtzee if given the chance). love my dog and running away from home.

so let's see how this process progresses...