the state of the breakdown

i'm bipolar. the diagnosis process has been convoluted but this particular label fits well.

this wasn't a sudden thing for me (unlike many others). the first time i tried to kill myself i was nine. the last time i was 16-ish. the last time i seriously contemplated suicide i was 23. the last time the thought crossed my mind was last night. i am not going to kill myself. but every now and then the random idea flits through my brain like a fly in a car - annoying, unexpected, not significantly dangerous unless you drive off the road.

when i am stable i am very high functioning. i held my most recent high stress job for two years. i teach/taught sex ed with teens in the bronx. demanding, exhausting, exceptionally rewarding. i conducted workshops with about 120 teens each week and coordinated an HIV peer education group. i managed our grant, served on numerous coalitions and steering committees, and came through sparkling.

but when i fall apart i fall fast. the last time i had a significant breakdown-ish thing i had just moved to texas to attend public health grad school. in short i had to drop out. the longer version includes outpatient hospital programs, numerous drug cocktails, not being able to drive, not being able to be alone, toxic dreams, rapid cycling, with the eventual grueling dragging oneself from the mud.

this spring i knew i was slipping. i arranged to take july and august off as medical leave. but things happened. my physical health kamikazied. my grandfather had the nerve to have a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm but held on for two weeks of false hope and quality family time. i fell down - a lot - and sprained my ankle. medication, therapy, group work, and everything else couldn't hold back the surge. so i lost it again.

the great thing about medical leave is you have to have consent from your doctor to return to work. my doctor (rightly) refused to clear me to start the new school year. however, my medical leave had expired. so the organization had to let me go. since i am not able to work i don't qualify for unemployment and my short-term disability barely covers COBRA.

so i have thrown myself upon the mercy of my parents and asked for a loan. i'm 26, an adult, have supported myself since i was 19, and this fucking disease forces me to depend on my folks. i just finished paying them back for the prior breakdown last christmas. it's not their fault. they would be happy to give me the money. but i need to be able to survive on my own. without (the illusion) of independence, i question whether i would continue to fight or just sink into comfortable madness.

the thing that pisses me off most is that i do everything right, everything that should work.

• i see my therapist every week.
• i attend group at least once a week.
• i see my psychiatrist every month (each 2 weeks right now).
• i take my medication.
• i have a support network.
• i have practically exiled procrastination from my professional life.
  
• i take time for me.

and still i fall apart.

sometimes i wonder what's the point.